I haven’t lived in the “big city” for many years; that would be Boston, in my case. And I count my blessings really. Not that the lure of the city is taboo to me. I like visiting Boston. It’s fun to walk down Newbury Street or the Theatre District, even through Boston Common and the Gardens. That’s mostly because I like to watch people.
And there are certainly enough people to watch in a city like Boston. They range from the street people who sleep each night on the Boston Common, migrating to the sidewalk subway gratings on cold nights, to the young ladies out there looking to be seen by all. But there’s a fairly new phenomenon prancing around town these days – the newly christened metrosexual man.
You probably wouldn’t see many of these guys in New Hampshire, but I saw a ton of them at a convention in Boston last summer, as I sat in the lobby of the Prudential Tower with a co-worker on a beautiful summer day. Lunchtime on a day like that brings everyone out of the woodwork to roam the malls of downtown Boston. And like most of us, I enjoy the opportunity to point out the more interesting characters I see. So when I noticed a couple of interesting pretty boys flailing away in the lobby that day, I quipped to my friend, “How about those two…?”
“Where?” he asked, not sure which of the two thousand people walking by us I was referring to.
“The two perfect guys over there near the Joseph Abboud window,” I responded. By their exaggerated gestures, they seemed to be arguing about which of the suited mannequins in the store window looked best. I thought a slap fight was about to break out.
“Oh yeah, those two,” he said matter-of-factly. “Metrosexuals.”
“Huh?” I questioned him. “How do you know they’re heterosexuals?”
“No, METROsexuals,” he reiterated. “They’re God’s perfect creatures, according to today’s fashion experts. Some people think they’re gay. But they aren’t necessarily – they have their own stereotype. ”They’re guys who like to be looked at – narcissists, I guess you’d call them.”
Now for a simple guy who decided long ago that “out-in-the-country” New Hampshire was the place I’d like to raise my family, I have a bit of a problem relating to this type of guy. Why? Well, let’s look at the stereotype of the metrosexual man. According to Wikipedia, that on-line encyclopedia in which anyone can go in to update whatever information there is on a topic, the metrosexual man is generally a single, young guy with a high disposable income, who lives or works in the city. He seems to love shopping – of course, only in the “best shops” – dresses like someone out of the pages of GQ Magazine, and while he loves himself and is concerned about being seen, he is apparently also a bit confused about his identity.
On the shopping side of life alone, I can’t even identify with guys like that. Oh, I like nice clothes too. But I hardly ever buy them. I’m very comfortable in jeans, sneakers, and a button-down shirt. And I’m not at all confused about my identity, although I sometimes have difficulty acting my age. And anyhow, I’m sure that I’m an old guy, in the eyes of practicing metrosexuals.
So we watched these two dandies for awhile. One of them was wearing an earring; the other had two. One had a gold chain with three buttons open on his expensive brand name shirt; the other was wearing a double-breasted suit and matching tie. We were close enough that I swear I could smell cucumber body lotion and heavy cologne – metrosexuals apparently never wear the weaker smelling aftershave. Both had perfect haircuts, manicured nails, and wore their pants, well…a bit on the tight side. Actually, a lot on the tight side.
“They sure like to show off the contour of their steel-hard buns, don’t they?” quipped my friend. “…and dare I say,” he continued, switching to an English accent,” that I can see the outline of Mr. Gold Chain’s thong?” I felt my lunch beginning to rise in my throat…
My friend continued my education on the stereotypical metrosexual man. “I suspect these guys wouldn’t know how to change the oil in their BMWs, but can change a tire on their $2,000 racing bikes in a flash. They probably don’t know a hammer from a screwdriver, so they let their girlfriends hang the pictures in their apartments – because their girlfriends can tell the difference. And, on yeah, they’re into having “fun”, whatever that means. That probably includes a lot of time in fashionable bars, drinking microbrew beer. And playing soccer Sunday mornings on the Common – followed, of course, by a massage at some fashionable salon, with a seaweed body wrap. These guys are a lot more in touch with their feminine sides than the average heterosexual guy. And they love everyone to notice.”
“Yeah, that part I’m seeing right now,” I responded. “Thanks for the urban education. But I’ve had enough for today. Let’s get back to the convention.”
“Right,” said my friend.
So we headed back in, unfortunately, having to pass our metrosexual dandies in the process. And I was right – my nose told me one of them was indeed sporting cucumber body lotion. But, at least, they had stopped arguing about the mannequins, and were just inspecting the perfection of their reflections in the store window before returning to whatever cushy jobs they must have had in order to afford the clothes they were wearing. God bless ‘em.
But all I could think of, as we walked back to the convention center, was this – what will happen to metrosexuals when they finally get old? Can their phenomenon last? Would they graciously trade their thongs for designer Depends? Would Blair Clothing introduce a line of metrosexual stretch waistband pants for them? Would the Grecian Formula folks invent a permanent hair coloring for old metros? So many questions, so little time. I couldn’t wait to get back to New Hampshire…
Visit Londonderry Hometown Online News every Tuesday Morning for another one of Joe’s great columns! Share with a friend’s Joe is back!
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Joe’s Two Cents – It’s Great To Be Alive is Joe Paradis’ first published book and gathers 40 of his most popular stories, enhancing them with humorous photography. The book is a compilation of forty of Joe’s best short stories.
Injecting humor into topics from everyday life, Joe answers those earth-shattering questions we all have about the beach, the bathroom, the junk drawer. From guys’ tools to girl talk. High school seniors to the senior years.
This classic collection has been updated to include pictures and a short introduction for each story. Until now, only God knew what possessed Joe to write about these things. Now you can too!
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Love your stories Joe! This one tops them all. My day has started out with a good laugh!
This story is awful. How about the next one is about how you spotted a few “blacks” and laughed at them for awhile because you just couldn’t understand how their skin was so dark.
Good luck raising those kids you closed-minded redneck.
Wow, what a contrast in opnions between Margaret and Marie! Life’s too short, Marie, so lighten up a bit. I poke more fun at myself than anyone. Redneck is a good one though…Touche! The race card’s a bit of a stretch, but thanks, the kids are doing well. One’s fighting for your and my right to free speech. The other may someday cure you or me of an illness. But please, keep reading – and I really mean that. There may be something you smile at in a future story! God bless!
Disgusted at this story, and at your smug attitude, Joe. I don’t think you’re arguing from the moral high ground here. Maybe sit back and think a minute about why people would be offended by this. It’s great to SELF-REFLECT!
So our readers know Brenton and Cherry are the same person
Big Brother is watching….
Actually Joe, I asked that only the non-homophobic part of the army defend my rights overseas. You can do that; it’s a check box on the census form.
So our readers know Brenton and Cherry are the same person.
This comment is wrong on many levels, and only serves to further illustrate the hypocracy of many of these comments.
Actually, Joe, you don’t poke fun at yourself at all in this article, because you were too busy making thinly-veiled gay jokes (or letting your curiously well-informed but scornful “friend”/imaginary-conversational-foil make them for you) about people who choose to live a different lifestyle than you. The small-town smugness is pretty thick in here; I’m surprised you could smell that cucumber hair goo through it!
Thankfully you can still count on good old-fashioned Londonderry: suburb of ~30,000, minutes from several major cities, high school population approaching 2,000, proud new hosts of a combination KFC/Taco Bell… ahhhh, smell that fresh country air… No hair goo for miles around (or at least until you hit Manchester).
Joe, this really is pretty awful. Making fun of people based on stereotypes is low-hanging fruit, and it’s definitely NOT funny. The jokes and the slurs (dandies? prancing?) reinforce the homophobic notion that men with feminine traits are materialistic, selfish, weird, and above all, gross (see “bile rising in throat”). Maybe you should focus less on them and more on you. You can be funny and tolerant by turning this whole experience inward. Maybe that’s what you set out to do, but you definitely didn’t succeed.
Sorry not funny. I teach my 7 and 4 year olds that just because someone is different from themselves. It is wrong to make fun of them and call them names. It’s a shame not everyone thinks that way.
Thank goodness you have devised a plan based solely on appearance so we can know who people are without ever having to talk to them!
This is going to save me so much time reading books now that I know I can just judge them based on their covers!
Please don’t stop wearing t-shirts and jeans for I fear I will not recognize or “know” you!
Wow, where to begin. I’m ashamed you’re from Londonderry and proud of it. As for having trouble acting your age, it is apparent from your lack of acceptance that you are of the bigot generation that my grandparents were born into. Welcome to a world were, what’s that? People are different than you? And that may be OK? You got it. I hope in your lifetime you see country-wide acceptance of diversity, at least in the name of equality in human rights. And I hope you have the sense to keep your close-minded opinions to yourself and do not pass them on to your children.
I have to agree with Marie, Cherry, Mike, Ryan, and Kristina.
This article is an insult to every Londonderryian raised on inclusion and acceptance in the last decade, Joe. I am long gone now, but remember that what our safe and cozy Londonderry lacked in culture growing up it made up for with a reasonably good educational system – one which not only taught its students about life outside the walls of suburbia but set us up for a future where we could explore it for ourselves.
I’ve lived in Boston (gasp!) for a year and a half now, and the resulting immersion into different cultures and lifestyles has taught me more about how to be a welcoming and thoughtful member of society than 18 years of living in good-ol’-fashioned Londonderry, as wonderful as it is. Truly, I had a great childhood, but am happy that I have branched out to learn about what else is out there, because there is quite a lot.
Some of that newness is the ability for people to represent themselves how they please, away from the stares and cocked heads of traditional “small town country folk” like you.
You come off as self-righteous in this article, but I guess as long as you’re well-adjusted and worldly enough to address such nauseating habits like wearing suits, having a respectable job, and playing (a second gasp now) SOCCER, then I guess I guess it’s not much of a problem at all.
Oh wait. Yes, it is. It is a problem, but mostly for others who don’t realize that your way of thinking leads directly away from a more open and welcoming society.
Wow. Your views are very narrow and close minded. Perhaps a few more trips to “the big city” might do you some good.
Not for nothing, but some of these comments are a perfect example of how people get a little too politically correct. This article has nothing to do with sexual preference, so I am not sure how you can accuse the author of being a homophobe. Doing so probably says more about your own narrow view, since you are the one associating metrosexual traits with homosexual men (something most people do). There are all kinds of homosexuals, just like there are all kinds of other people.
“Metrosexual” is a term used to describe the phenomenon of men being very much into their appearance. They buck the “traditional” view of men not caring very much how they look, and instead spending money on fine clothes, expensive hair, etc. It is a mostly urban trend of recent years. It is a societal trend, like people being into a Goth look.
Are not all Mr. Paradise’s columns commentaries about society and life in general? He tries to do so in a humorous way, whether or not you find it funny. I understand there are offensive views, but if you don’t like them, don’t read them. I hardly think this qualifies as offensive. Where do you draw the line? Where is the list of acceptable phenomenon to comment on?
Seriously, people have nothing better to do.
Regarding the if-you-don’t-like-it-don’t-read-it policy, this is a town website, and as such, is as legitimate a forum for debate as any classroom, meeting room, or public hall.
In the same way that people disagree with op/ed articles in major newspapers, it is open for comments and reflections (hence the inclusion of a comment section) so it would be unfortunate for those who disagree on the tenets and principals of the articles herein to feel unwelcome to express themselves.
After all, are not such debates a means to improve ourselves as people? What would be accomplished by ignoring our aversion to this article, as opposed to bringing up issues to discuss? People would be able to chuckle in peace? After all, if they don’t like the comments, they don’t have to read them, right?
Joe, keep up the good work! Your humor is not wasted on everyone.
AJP,
The writer is clearly mocking men who step outside their traditional gender roles. This is a very sensitive topic for people with gay friends and family. Call it political correctness If you want, but I prefer to spare them the ubiquitous verbal abuse. And I think that is a very good use of my time.
Ryan – I’m not insensitive to the challenges faced by some members of our society, be it minorities or anyone with an alternative lifestyle. I’m not saying there isn’t offensive stuff that goes on all the time. However, does this column really reach that level, at least to merit the outrage shown here?
Some comments have labeled Mr. Paradise as being a racist, smug, homophobic, narrow-minded bigot. I actually had to re-read the text to be sure I didn’t miss something.
I also find it kind of ironic that people were able to discern the above about the author from reading a short column he wrote. One even resorted to out-right name-calling (“closed-minded redneck”), doing the exact thing they think he is guilty of despite not knowing anything about him. I guess that is OK because he is the bad guy, right?
If you want to accuse him of writing something in poor taste, go right ahead. However, is any written piece about a subset of society off-limits? What if he were to write about teenagers at Malls? Older people driving? Middle-aged men at football games? You can’t write about societal activity if you aren’t going to offend someone. There is an acceptable level which can make it humorous, and an unacceptable level which is harmful. I don’t think this article was as far to the latter as some here would believe.
From the level of vitriol in these comments you would think this was a Nazi sympathizer. I recognize people’s rights to express their opinions here, but to me a lot of it is over the top. I think what is really going on is a holier-than-thou reaction, just people trying to show how great they are by pointing out the bad guy. They are doing the same thing in a different direction.
I 100% agree with AJP,
Joe’s most recent story is only guilty of not being funny.
Some of the comments above directed at Joe personally are far more offensive than they claim the story is. Some of them actually illustrating the very things they are accusing the authur of.
Pointing out the charecteristics of a metrosexual is no more offensive than pointing out the charecteristics of any other social class, it esentially is what it is.
Don’t pretend to think that you are so much more righteous than the authur that you can put him down and stomp on him to prove how much better you are. I suppose you have never laughed at a person on a game show who missed the easy question, never giggled at someones poor choice of clothing at an event, never scoffed at the young person in the mall with the purple mohawk full body tattoos and multiple peircings, never ever made a decision about someone based on their appearence, never steared clear of the scruffy looking man on the street, never clutched your purse tighter while walking past hooded people.
Should we all walk around like zombies without opinions, or beliefs? Think about it, would your perfect diversity embracing world allow for me to have my own view?
Keith I think it’s very brave of you to come to this terrifyingly bigoted website and admit that as a dude you carry a purse. Right on man!
At the risk of beating a dead horse… one last comment:
There is nothing in the article about homosexuals. The fact a commenter inferred the subject was homosexuality says more about the person making the comment than the author. It is their own personal bias which makes the connection to Metrosexuals. One is a sexual preference, the other is a cultural phenomenon.
To make it even clearer, the poster boy for Metrosexuality is the current starting QB for the New England Patriots. If it makes it easier to understand, that is who the article is about. Of course… a lot of people will still be upset if they think he insulted Tom Brady.
I do agree with Margaret, though. This story does “top” all Joe’s others. If you know what I mean.
I’m pretty stoked that AJP has scientifically proven that there is never been such a thing as a homosexual NFL player. This has 2010 Nobel written all over it
I AM A POWERFUL SATIRIST FROM THE 9TH DIMENSION AND I HAVE COME TO FRENCH KISS YOUR POINT OF VIEW
Please learn how to type. Writing in capitals is so rude.
AJP: what you are trying to argue is that if someone makes a subtle and veiled reference or slight then they must necessarily get away with it. I think that the author clearly IS referencing behaviors commonly associated with gay men. The notion of “metrosexual” is based on the idea of heterosexual men “acting gay” by being concerned about their appearance. If it was about simple vanity, we’d just call them vain. “Prancing” and “dandy” are also commonly used as slurs against gay men.
The best that can be said about the author’s intent regarding slurs against homosexuality here is that he just didn’t know better. I’m inclined to presume he’s more intelligent and a better writer than that. Accordingly, the only thing left to understand about these references is that they were intentional and have been caught by an audience more sympathetic to those who he attempted to insult than to the author himself.
In other words, don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining.
Peter, you seem to missing the point that metrosexual is not something the author just made up. If you haven’t missed that point, you are arguing as if you have. QUOTE- ” If it was about simple vanity, we’d just call them vain.” It’s not just simple vanity, it is fitting into the class.
Read about it – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metrosexual
Metrosexual is a social class, like yuppies, Emo’s, or any of the others.
I will agree with you on the words “Prancing” and “Dandy” being recognized slang for homosexuals.
Hello, I am a fighter pilot. Does anyone here know SPECIFICALLY what Tom Brady smells like? Like what food exactly. I am just wondering.
Signed,
Lt. Yevgeni Fringemusket
Peter – Fair point, but I still think people are reading too much into it. If we were to put it on a scale, I just don’t think it rates that high. I think people are making a mountain out of a molehill.
I guess if you define Metrosexual in the manner you did then it could be construed in the manner you took it, but I tend to think of it being connected more with narcissism. The homosexuals I’ve met tend to be regular people, not necessarily fitting a certain stereotype. By making a connection you are putting meaning into his words, but what he wrote doesn’t seem that bad. Probably not terribly funny, but not malicious.
This is a column about pretty boys. They are guys full of themselves. Remember that politically incorrect word. You can’t even say pass gas anymore without people freaking out.
This story has been so misconstrued into a program agenda that the same people are posting with different log on names.
Life is too short to get worked up over a column about satire.
Ay-yuh. Finally someone came along to make me ashamed of my hometown. Please, sir, kick the mud from your boots, spread your flannel-covered wings and explore beyond Salem. And , right on time, came the section in the Boston Globe on the city’s 25 most fashionable. Please place said article under under your pillow tonight. And, BTW, the term “metrosexual” is so-o-o- 3 years age. Evolve.
All of the debate over whether this article is offensive or not has obscured the very important issue of just how crappy it is! Yes, you can use that quote on the back of your book, Joe.
You write about the “big city” as if it’s a theme park, citing your favorite tourist traps, “even [...] Boston Common and the Gardens.” What is the “even” supposed to imply? It sounds like you’re trying to establish your urban cred by showing that you’re brave enough to venture into the dangerous world of flowers and swan boats. You must really know your stuff, having gone all the way from the theater district to the park to Newbury Street! That’s, like, 9 whole blocks of Shakespeare in the park, kids playing baseball, and but a single Cheers. I can see why you count your blessings to be out of that urban hellhole. I guess the fact that you are posing on your book cover with a Red Sox bobble head and not a Fisher Cats toilet paper roll is just a way of showing how thankful you are to be out of there.
I like the way you say “the newly christened metrosexual man” as if the word was, you know, newly christened. “Metrosexual” was a stupid pop culture buzzword during the first George W. Bush administration (another notch in New Hampshire’s belt!). I hadn’t seen or heard the word for years until I came across this article. Good thing you have a culture savvy friend to feed you such hot topics for your column. If not for him you would have had to wait for “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Seaon 1″ to hit the Londonderry TJ Maxx DVD bin just like everyone else.
Do you know what “quip” means? Here’s a hint: “How about those two?” is not one. Even if you had said something funny (which you didn’t), attributing “quips” to yourself makes you sound like a pathetic jerk. Nobody wants to hear someone tell tales of that time when they said something funny once.
The rest of the column is about you and your buddy sitting in the mall watching “two perfect guys” (“They’re God’s perfect creatures, according to today’s fashion experts,” your friend says. I like to imagine that you are hanging out with Stefano Gabbana or something). You make up things about them, and then make fun of those things. You thought “a slap fight was about to break out.” Man, that would have been funny, huh? If a slap fight had broken out? Your friend suspects “these guys wouldn’t know how to change the oil in their BMWs, but can change a tire on their $2,000 racing bikes in a flash.” Oh, jeez, these guys not only might possibly not know how to change oil, but also might own expensive bikes, and could possibly know how to maintain them? That’s so maybe unusual, perhaps worthy of derision, and probably not true at all! You guys are setting the comedy world ablaze.
Speaking of your friend, does he exist? He really reads like he’s just a piece of fiction designed to be the mouthpiece for your more offensive jokes, and it really seems like you were actually sitting in the mall all alone, sniffing the body lotion of strange men.
And, man, that part where your “friend” swtiches to an English accent as he pervs out about that guy’s thong? So hilarious, not only because European people are all gay?, I guess, but because funny accents are so effective on the written page. And these guys are into having “fun” that probably includes playing soccer? Will the zany Euro antics that you imagined and never actually happened ever stop!? Let me try my hand at it: Joe is a simple guy who wears jeans and button-down shirts. He’s into New Hampshire, which probably means he spends 3 months a year on a nude vision quest in the White Mountains, followed by leaf peeping on I-95 with Dan Brown, followed by… wait a minute, I ran out of notable things in New Hampshire.
“These guys are a lot more in touch with their feminine sides than the average heterosexual guy,” says your friend. Which makes me wonder how you know these guys are straight. You don’t. Just like everything else, it’s something you’re imagining because you think it’s funny. Also, it’s socially more acceptable to make fun of two straight guys who act like “dandies.” If you had written this exact article but made them gay, it would be seen by even the simplest out-in-the-country New Hampshire guy as blatant, narrow-minded homophobia. Or at the very least, the run-of-the-mill xenophobia of a simple man in a scary, big city mall.
You like nice clothes, but you hardly ever buy them. Uh, good for you for sublimating your desires in order to conform to cultural norms, I guess? Fie on these guys for following through on the same impulses you have, but deny. Why mention that you’re not confused about your identity? Are these guys? Doesn’t seem like it. It’s an odd thing to bring up out of nowhere. And then you mention that you’re “sure that [you're] an old guy, in the eyes of [...] metrosexuals.” You know, I bet if you asked nicely they would hang out with you, Joe! You’ll never know unless you try. Maybe you could go shopping for nice clothes together. See, you have common interests! And I bet they’d love to hear that you totally nailed their body lotion scents from across the mall. That’s an impressive skill!
Really, though, it’s rude to sit and stare at strange men’s “steel-hard buns” and then insult them, on a public forum, for a lifestyle that you invented. Early in the article you mention “the young ladies out there looking to be seen by all.” You really have a problem with people you imagine want to be seen by some creepy dude from New Hampshire. Allow me to unburden you: they don’t.
Peter,
Could you please explain the notion of “acting gay”. What does that mean? Are you sugesting that gay people are easily identified by the way they appear?
Joe, your article is so awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You should be on comedy central or something.
People: lighten up. You don’t have to read it, after all. You’d probably be in stitches if the author was Howie Mandel or some other comedian because that’s what you’d expect of him or her. Let it go and move on.